Sunday, March 29, 2015

My Mid-life Motherhood Crisis

It has been so long since I wrote about matters of the heart. Lately, my mind has been so full of things I think that I have been thrown into the depression pit. I want to jump, scream, pull my hair out and run like crazy. It is a very stressful time for me. Writing is my therapy and this is exactly what I will do. Releasing all these pent up emotions will probably do me some good. I hope.

My son quit school. After six years in college and two different majors, he opted out and found himself a job. He took the initiative to take a break from school, earn and save some money and then go back and finish his college course. It guess it is good, in a way, because he did not end up a bum. However, I feel that I have failed. I fear that once he enjoyed earning his own keep, he won't go back to college anymore. What future does he have without a college degree? In my country, a college degree IS everything. It is a ticket to a better future, more opportunities, more chances to succeed. It is a guarantee that my grandchildren will have a good life. He now works in a call center. Of all places. I did not dream of any of my children working the same job as me. I do not want to see them get sick, put up with poor dietary choices, and miss out on sleep. That is not what I want them to be.

Is my son happy? I guess he is. He is now calmer, more responsible and has been receiving awards and incentives left and right. He's been employed for two months and he seems to be enjoying it. Why can't I be happy for him? Why can't I be thankful that he is gainfully employed while there are others who patiently go out everyday seeking employment only to come home unsuccessful? Why am I so sad over his decision? He is 23 years old. After all, he has all the right to choose what he wants to do in life. But why does my heart bleed every night he leaves the house to go to work?

I refuse to accept that the reason I may be feeling this way is because of all the time and money that was wasted. Was it really wasted? My son had a scholarship he earned through engaging in athletics. I was not paying much tuition. Was it the allowance I gave him that I feel was wasted for nothing? Years ago, he pleaded to stay in a dorm. The university he attends is not that far, maybe a half hour commute if he takes the train. He said he needed time to rest after his classes and team practice, and that the long commute would take up time that he could spend studying instead. So I gave in. Result? He incurred failures in his academic subjects, causing him to shift to a different major. Was I too lenient? Did I give in to something that did not serve him well?

And so I think he learned his lesson. He still stayed in a dorm, however, this time, he was sharing it with a group of friends who "supported" each other. The next three years was okay. Suddenly, another major roadblock. My son told me I had to go meet up with the Dean. "Why?" I asked. "You have to sign some papers," is all he said. To my surprise, I found out that the papers I had to sign was an agreement for "conditional enrolment." My boy had incurred failures, and that meant disqualification from receiving his scholarship grant for the semester. I was so heartbroken. Not because I was going to pay out of pocket for the coming semester, but because I felt betrayed.

Eventually, my son decided to drop out of school. The university that he loved and served so much could not do anything to keep him in. The only option for him would be to transfer to a different major (again). That was what he did not like, so he chose the fastest way out.

Should I have been angry? Was I a failure? Am I to blame? All I want is to see all of my children finish school. Is that too much to ask? Or am I just expecting too much? I love all my children and I do not want to hurt their feelings even if I am now so sad and hurt over all of these things.  

I am hoping and praying that in God's time, all of these will pass. I surrender everything to Him who is the God of all creations. It is only Him who knows what the future will bring. I pray that I be a better shepherd to my children. I pray that all of them will have a better life than what I have. I will continue to strive until there is strength left in me. My mission in life has not yet been accomplished, I am not even halfway done.

My heart is bleeding, my body is so tired, and my soul cries out to God to guide me to be the best mother and raise my children the way He wants them to be.


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