Signs and Symptoms of High Functioning Depression

 Let's talk about mental health.

A few years back, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was put on medication (Escitalopram) to manage the symptoms. I did feel improvement in my mood and thankfully my life sort of returned to normal. I was taken off the medication after a year and things were looking good.

And then life happened. 

My husband passed away. An unexpected result of complications from nephrolithotomy (kidney stone removal). It was a minimally invasive type of surgery which up to this day, I cannot understand why, what happened, and what caused him to stop breathing a day after a successful procedure. 

I had to give up our home and move back into my mom's house, which badly needed repairs. With dwindling savings, I had to start life over again and find employment - at 60 years old.

Finding a job was not easy. Older, more mature, more experienced applicants were perceived to be tech dinosaurs. Every rejection stung and cut deep into my self confidence. It made me cry reading every rejection letter. I felt worthless. Dumb. Incompetent.

I felt I was going to crash again. I tried to fight off all the negative emotions. I reached out to friends. Asking for recommendations or suggestions where I could still be able to work. Fortunately, I found one. A freelancer type of job. Doesn't pay much but at least some money will be coming in every month.

Despite this little success, I still have these inner battles to face. I feel inferior whenever I am in the company of friends or family who are living the good life. I can't keep up with their conversations about finances, investing, even current events. My coping mechanism? I rarely go out of the house now. I just do quick grocery runs. That's all. No one can judge me if they don't see me, right?

Anyway, even if my clinical depression seems to have improved, I still have symptoms of depression but not as "loud" as they used to be. I look "normal" and "happy" - on the outside.

High Functioning Depression. Also known as Functional Depression or Persistent Depressive Disorder. Yup. That is what I have now.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, the following are the signs and symptoms of High Functioning Depression:

• Feeling sad, helpless or hopeless.
• Becoming disinterested in things that used to bring them joy.
• Changes in eating habits, like eating too much or too little.
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Negative thoughts about yourself and others
• https://health.clevelandclinic.org/high-functioning-depression

The above mentioned symptoms are similar to Clinical Depression or Major Depressive Disorder. However, with High Functioning Depression, the difference lies in the term, "functioning." Patients with this type of depression acts and looks normal, they continue to go about their daily tasks, however, in reality, they are fighting battles inside that people around them never notice.

So now I believe that my Major Depressive Disorder will not be cured - it will only evolve into a different kind, in this case, High Functioning Depression.