22 Years

It is exactly 22 years to the day that I lost my dad to cancer.

22 long years and it still hurts. Images of my dad in his hospital bed in the MICU of the Philippine Heart Center for Asia. The doctors called us all in, saying he would not make it through the day. We sat around his bedside, holding him, just feeling his pain. And then it happened. Right before my eyes, I saw my father convulse and die.

It was the darkest day in my life. I was struck by disbelief. This man who was my real life hero succumbed to such a rapidly progressing disease. My dad was a doctor and did not expect this to happen to him.

All this time, I have slowly learned to accept that Daddy is gone. I am comforted by the thought that he has moved on to a better place where there is no more pain.

Accepting does not mean forgetting. I keep my father's memory alive in my mind. I tell my children stories of fun times I had with my Dad and how he would have enjoyed seeing his grandchildren. It gives me joy in my heart to relive those times. Every time I look up at the night sky and see the vast expanse of the stars and the universe, I know my Daddy is up there in Heaven with God and all his angels. 

On this day of remembering, I pray that God would hold Daddy and tell him how much we love and miss him. I would ask God to tell Daddy that we are okay and not to worry about us. I pray that God would give him a big bear hug for me, and I will give thanks to God for blessing us with a man whom we lovingly call "Daddy."

The Depressed Diabetic: A Fighter Par Excellence

According to the American Diabetes Association, studies show that people with diabetes have a greater risk of depression than people without diabetes. Oh how true!

Let me tell you about the experience from an expert on this vicious cycle of Diabetes and Depression. That person is me.

A month and a half ago, I was put on a new set of medications to lower my unbelievably high sugar levels. My endocrinologist wants to ensure that the excess sugar in my blood will not damage any of my internal organs. I had to alter my diet, get more rest and avoid stress.

I started to tweak my eating habits. I now only have one serving of rice a day (one cup). This means I only have one decent sit-down meal per day. The rest of my meals are spread out as light snacks. I have totally shunned any sugary beverage. I eat more vegetables than I usually do. Instead of empty calorie snacks, I have learned to feast on half an ear of corn or a cup of boiled peanuts. I started to feel better and had more energy. I take my blood sugar reading twice a day - after waking up and another one two hours after my full meal. My glucometer has earned its place in my purse. 

A normal blood sugar reading is 90-105mg/dl. Me? Despite all the dieting and the new medication, the lowest reading I have ever had for the past 6 weeks is 144 mg/dl. Grrr.. Last night at work, my mid-shift meal was a small steamed bun with ground pork filling. I took my meds right after. I started to feel extremely tired and sleepy. This lasted for a good three hours after my meal. I took my blood sugar reading. Unbelievable. 371 mg/dl! 

And so here I am, flung into the depths of depression (again). Despite all my efforts to get my blood sugar down to "acceptable" levels, it just won't budge! I am resisting the urge to drown myself in a tub of ice cream. What the heck! I might as well enjoy the sugar anyway. 

I am now having feelings of anxiety. I have resigned my fate. I know there is no way I will escape being put on insulin. Not only will it be expensive, it would mean I would have to be pricking myself with another gadget. It is just so sad to have this kind of disease. I am the most unwilling recipient of the genetic markers for Diabetes. Worry is starting to set in, fearful of what the future would bring. Would I be dying soon? Who would then take care of my family? Who would cook, clean and do the laundry? Who will send my boys through school? Sigh...

Managing Diabetes can be stressful enough - diet and lifestyle changes, compliance to medication, enhancing weight loss, increasing fitness levels to avoid cardiovascular complications. These alone can lead to depression and the feeling of hopelessness. Once depression sets in, compliance to the self management of diabetes is compromised. 

This is where the vicious cycle begins.

I guess I would be seeing my endocrinologist earlier than scheduled. I have to fight this. If I want to be well, it should start with me and a whole lot of prayers. 

For My Future Children-In-Law

Parenting is the noblest job in the world. No rest days, no overtime pay, no holidays off. Its a 24/7 job, whether or not you are physically present. I was left with the task of raising my kids all on my own when their father turned his back on us. I had to be both mother and father - firm but loving, a role model for my daughter and two sons. That was difficult. Really difficult. 

Photo credits: www.skepticalob.com

I have been blessed to have found someone who helped me through my rough times. We've been together for almost seven years and counting. He gave me valuable advice on how to deal with raising teenagers. He took on the task of being a father to my children.

The children are all grown now. They have found themselves their own "special someones." It gives me joy to see them happy in their relationships. 

Being a parent, I only want the best for my children. Here's my (unsolicited) advice to my children's "special someones."  

1. Love them like you love yourself. My children are not perfect, but they are my treasures. I have nurtured them since the time of their conception. Please remember that. 

2. My children chose you to love. Although it takes some time for me to get used to the idea that I am no longer the center of their world, I am happy that they find happiness in being with you. Trust one another. You'd never go wrong with that. 

3. My children came from a broken family. It is not a disease. Do not take it against them that my relationship with their father did not work out. I did my best to raise them to be morally upright and responsible. 

4. Should you find yourselves disagreeing with something, never go to bed without talking it over. Never meet each other head on, as this will not resolve anything. Be patient with each other. Never ever engage in a fight in front of your children. They do not deserve the trauma.

5. Never forget to respect each other's parents. You will not be where you are if it had not been for your parents. Remember that you will not only marry each other, you will also marry each other's families. 

6. Do not get lost in the task of raising a family. Always set some time for yourselves. Never lose the habit of going out on dates. Some time spent alone - just the two of you, will keep your relationship healthy. I will babysit the (future) grandchildren for you.

7. Marriage is a partnership. Support each other. Draw strength from one another. In this day and time, practicality is the name of the game. 

8. Put God in the center of your lives. Give thanks for the blessings you receive everyday. With Him as the foundation of your family, everything will fall just into the right place at the right time. Pray and pray frequently. 

It may still be quite awhile before these pieces of advice are put into use, however, I'm doing this now when I feel the "wisdom" in me, before my hands curl up to be unusable, before my brain gets eaten up by Alzheimers, and before it is too late to even write or speak.

Parenting is really a never ending job, but I am happy to be blessed with the chance to be a parent. It is the greatest gift!

A Bike Riding Day With My Eldest Boy

It is the first day of my 5-day weekend. Too lazy to do the laundry. Too lazy to do any other household task other than cooking.

The afternoon was dragging on and on and I decided to take a spin around the neighborhood on the bike. The sun was shining but there was a light breeze. Perfect!

My OOTD? Denim cut-off shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. Off I go...

I must have done 2 or 3 kilometers and headed home. When I got to the gate, my son was waiting for me and had the camera ready. He told me to just go up and down our street so he can take pictures. Of course, I was fine with that. Haha.

 Oh my, it is difficult to pedal upstreet!

 Pedaling down street is better.

 Whoops! Moving vehicle behind me. I have to move closer to the sidewalk.

 Great weather to squeeze in a little exercise!

My Royal Chubbiness!

A panoramic shot. So many images of My Royal Chubbiness!

This is Aton, my eldest son

What's with the pensive pose? 

It is a great day. Tonight will be movie night - Son of God, The Bible, The Passion of Christ. Films to keep my Catholic faith burning. 

Have a blessed Lenten Season, everyone. Peace, Hope, and Love from my family to yours. 

I'm Sexy and I Know It: Mother's Day Gift Idea

Mother's day is just around the corner. It is time to honor that one great woman in our lives - who held us within her belly for 9 months, and holds us in her heart forever.

My mom is easy to please. She loves dining out, or anything red in color. A new shade of lipstick, a red blouse, or sweat pants (for her aerobics dance class), a red purse, even a red coffee cup with her name etched on it. It would be an easy task to find something to make mama smile.

As for me? What would I want this year? The good, angelic side of me says "a good home movie, freshly popped corn and cold beer." The naughty side of me says "Sexy Women's Underwear" I have always liked lace underwear because it is so sexy! I do have a few pieces in my drawer but a new one would be most welcome. I am too shy to ask my hubby to get me some for mother's day so I will leave subtle hints here and there until he finally gets it. I would leave the website Devil's Wink up instead of closing my browser after using the computer. I would pin pictures and bookmark the pages of my choice. I absolutely love the set in the picture. Love the baby blue color! I hope the hubby will notice these little hints. 

Oh, and by the way, he is my number one blog fan. When he reads this post, I am sure I will be getting my lace underwear! Love love love!

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My Three Greatest Fears

Every woman has her fears. No matter how strong a woman seems to be, she has fears that she keeps suppressed and keeps them in the deepest recesses of her mind. She throws her hair back, flashes a smile and moves forward.

I consider myself a very strong woman. I have been through hell and back. I am constantly fighting battles every day from the time I wake up till the time I lay myself to sleep.

I have three greatest fears in life:

"I fear growing old and getting sick with a debilitating illness, with no one to take care of me or my needs." I do not have enough savings in the bank to say to myself that I can live comfortably enough in my twilight years. What if the hubby is not strong enough to help me? What if all my children leave home to start their own families? I would probably just rot in one corner and die quietly.

"I fear going blind." My diabetes has been slowly eating up my eyesight, it seems like it is getting worse every year. How will I write? How will I cook the family's meals? How will I go to work?

"I fear my earthly existence would cease without accomplishing the purpose of me being born in the first place." What is my mission? I know part of it is to raise my kids until they are ready and able to live their own lives. Does my mission end there?

I have spread myself way too thin and it is now taking a toll on me. I know in time, things will get better. I need to face these fears head on. Now is the time to start planning. Now is the time to start that savings plan.

I am confident that my Lord God has given me these trials to hone me into a better individual. Through the roughest times in my life, I have never lost my faith in Him.

As night time slowly creeps in and I get ready for bed, I bow my head and pray:

"And now I lay myself to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

And should I die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

AMEN."

Photo credits: www.thecatholicspirit.com

Organizing My Kingdom

Spring cleaning is a fun time for me. It is not that I enjoy the dust and dirt, it is just that I enjoy finding things I never knew I had. I love organizing things around the house. I can say I am pretty handy and I work well with tools.

The hubby and kids find it funny when I call the kitchen "my kingdom." Well it is. I spend more time there than in any other room in the house. It is where I come up with meals to feed and nourish my family. I keep everything very well organized in there. All my condiments are in one place, the refrigerator is 4 steps away, my chopper, mortar and pestle, and pepper mill are within arms reach. This year, I will be investing in a pull out shelf for my pots and pans.

I want a sturdy one that will last a long time and it should be functional as well. Maximizing space is a must if you live in an apartment. If you are one like me, you too would be pleased to find the Best selection of pull out shelves online. At Ovis, you would find the best match to retrofit your cabinets. I have chosen the two-tier 21 inch chrome cookware organizer. It will keep my pots, pans and lids in order and its heavy duty ball bearing sliders will give me easy access to them. Retrofitting it in the cabinet under my sink would be the best place for it to be. I am so excited to have it installed. A new item for my kingdom! Hmm.. maybe I would get new pots and pans too!

Hurray for spring cleaning!

A New Day Unfolds

I love taking pictures! I always have a camera handy to capture moments that will never again repeat itself. 

Last week, while most of my workmates were at a team building activity, I found the beauty of daybreak at 5 am. I took a snapshot of the lovely sky with my cellphone. The moon was just so pretty!

I ran back in the building to get my camera. Then I took another picture. Notice how quickly it got to light? The smudge (or streak) in the middle of the picture is a sparrow in flight. My shutter finger was not quick enough to get a better picture of it. 

I stand in awe at the beautiful colors of the horizon. Its a new day. A new chance at life. 

Praise and Glory to the Holy Triune God. Thank you Lord for making me witness Your Greatness. 

Easy Port to Port Shipping

So you've decided to spend your hard earned money on something tangible to serve as a constant reminder of your blood, sweat and tears. You are in the United States, about to finish your 5-year work contract. Soon you will be on a plane going home. You search the market for the best item to purchase, and you decide on a Ducati motorcycle. Your mind wanders to the thought of you riding that bike, cruising along the country roads. The wind blowing on your face, the warmth of the tropical sun, the power the bike gives you. 

And then reality hits you. How the heck are you going to take it back home? No problem. A quick search on the web takes you to the best site where to find motorcycle shipping quotes. At Marine Transport Logistics, you never have to worry about shipping large items to any destination worldwide. They are a full service shipping provider, offering their customers full satisfaction on the care and

transport of their cargo. 

Check them out and get a quote. For very reasonable prices, you get a wide range of add-on services and a guarantee that you will get your cargo on time. I am so happy to have found such a great customer-friendly cargo service. Now its time to buy that bike and schedule the shipping date. 

Heaven Is For Real

I was able to catch a glimpse of a special feature in the news today. It is about the experience of a boy, then about 4 years old and his trip to Heaven and back. This experience has been written in the book entitled "Heaven Is For Real."

Colton Burpo was rushed to the hospital for a emergency surgery due to a ruptured appendix. Months after his recovery, the little boy told his parents that he left his body during the surgery, watched as the doctor operated on him and saw his parents in the other room while he was undergoing the surgery. He said he saw Jesus, God the Father and witnessed the Holy Spirit. The book has been made into a movie which I will eagerly await. 

I know there are always people who do not believe in these kinds of things, but I do believe, based on the experiences I had when I was a child. When I was about 12 years old, my great aunt came down with fever. After her fever subsided, she looked up to the ceiling and said "What a beautiful place this is!" In a few hours, her skin color turned grayish and my father rushed her to the hospital. Within a few minutes, my great aunt passed away.

Another experience I had was with my paternal grandmother. She was in the hospital for a general check up. While she was sitting up in bed, she suddenly said "Why are there so many children here? So many beautiful children!" In a few days, my strong, lively, healthy grandmother died of a heart attack.

My grandfather was on his death bed when he asked where my father was. My dad was on his way to his father's house when my grandfather said "He better hurry up, I don't want to miss my trip." A few hours after my dad arrived, his father breathed his last.

I do not know if these "visions" were "hallucinations" because they were sick, but what puzzles me is that the visions were very similar to one another - a beautiful place, beautiful children, a trip.  I believe these are visions of heaven and angels. What else could they be? 

You may disagree with me, but deep in my heart, this is my belief. This is my faith. 

Heaven is about coming home to a place of peace and pure love. And yes, Heaven is for real. 

(This is NOT a sponsored post. The reason I wrote about this is because I was moved by the little boy's story and how it made me remember my loved ones who passed away to a happy place.)