Wednesday, April 16, 2014

My Three Greatest Fears

Every woman has her fears. No matter how strong a woman seems to be, she has fears that she keeps suppressed and keeps them in the deepest recesses of her mind. She throws her hair back, flashes a smile and moves forward.

I consider myself a very strong woman. I have been through hell and back. I am constantly fighting battles every day from the time I wake up till the time I lay myself to sleep.

I have three greatest fears in life:

"I fear growing old and getting sick with a debilitating illness, with no one to take care of me or my needs." I do not have enough savings in the bank to say to myself that I can live comfortably enough in my twilight years. What if the hubby is not strong enough to help me? What if all my children leave home to start their own families? I would probably just rot in one corner and die quietly.

"I fear going blind." My diabetes has been slowly eating up my eyesight, it seems like it is getting worse every year. How will I write? How will I cook the family's meals? How will I go to work?

"I fear my earthly existence would cease without accomplishing the purpose of me being born in the first place." What is my mission? I know part of it is to raise my kids until they are ready and able to live their own lives. Does my mission end there?

I have spread myself way too thin and it is now taking a toll on me. I know in time, things will get better. I need to face these fears head on. Now is the time to start planning. Now is the time to start that savings plan.

I am confident that my Lord God has given me these trials to hone me into a better individual. Through the roughest times in my life, I have never lost my faith in Him.

As night time slowly creeps in and I get ready for bed, I bow my head and pray:

"And now I lay myself to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And should I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
AMEN."


Photo credits: www.thecatholicspirit.com

25 comments:

  1. I hope you take time to really take care of yourself . We belong to an industry where there are a lot of health issues and as we age , it will really take a toll on our health. Just like you, my kids are not really ready to live on their own nor do I have a trust fund for my sake alone. Writing is also important to me same thing with exercise and getting fit and the only reason why I make time for it is because I want to live longer for my kids. Like you, I strongly believe that the Heavens will lead me the way not just to conquer my fears but to fulfill my dreams that I thought I have missed.

    A blessed Easter to you and your family.

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    1. You are right, Sarah. Our job is so thankless and stressful. I felt my health go down the drain since I started working the night shift. Its been a decade of sleep deprivation. I know there are still things left to accomplish and I give all my trust in God to guide me through this life. Blessed Easter to you and your family too.

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  2. The way you are raising your kids, I am sure that they will not leave you when you need them most. Just like you, my eyesight is also slowly weakening and I fear of that too.

    Happy Easter!

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    1. I hope they do exactly that. I am at that stage when I feel I am running an empty nest. My children all have their own "special someone" and their little old mama feels so alone. Hope I get over this bout of depression soon.

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  3. we all have fears in life, i've always have the fear of losing a family member, it must be part of life cycle but it would truly something i could never take.

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    1. Oh Nova! I lost my dad 22 years ago and it still hurts until now. I saw how my mom suffered through the pain. I saw how we struggled to keep our finances back up. Its been a long road to recovery and lessons in life are to be treasured.

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  4. And now I lay myself to sleep
    I pray the Lord my soul to keep
    And should I die before I wake
    I pray the Lord my soul to take.
    AMEN."---- I love this prayer, very meaningful. I hope your health conditions get better Ai, and not worsen. Like you, I have fears too, hypercholesterolemia, diabetic, stroke, cancer somehow runs in my family. I somehow feel for my younger brother before when he told me, " I don't understand, I hardly eat any fats except the healthy nuts, I don't eat meat, I don't eat a lot of rice, I eat mostly vegetables, and vegetables, and vegetables, but here I am, still having high cholesterol in my blood." The way he said it, was very painful. Anyway, he resigned from his work ( which he believes is very high stress and what was causing his high cholesterol ) after he found something less stressful but not so much sacrificing their quality of life, and loosened up in eating. He grew up very strict in his diet, afraid to eat pork, etc, but his frustration from still having hypercholesterolemia and high blood pressure despite very good diet and exercise ( he is into mountaineering and mountain biking, and plays basketball too ) lead him to slowly adopt a lifestyle that enjoys food once a while. Now, he eats meat ( the reverse), but still not a lot, now, he does not fear pork fat ( but still not a lot, he eats occasionally), now, he finds out, his health is A LOT BETTER, his cholesterol number went down, so, he keeps on telling us, "it's all about STRESS!" I am glad for him for having gotten away from a stressful work.

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    1. Hi Betchai! I am into this vicious cycle of depression and diabetes. I have been switched around with different medications but my sugar level stays elevated. I sometimes go through a day with only one meal because I am afraid my sugar levels would shoot up again. My doctor says if she sees no change in my sugar levels with this new drug regimen, she's going to start me on insulin on May 9. What a great mother's day gift I am in for. Part of this is caused by stress. The job, the snotty people at work, the empty nest syndrome, the hubby who is always sick of something, the ton of housework. I guess with all these sacrifices, I'm going to go straight up to heaven when I die.

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  5. I also have lots of fear especially when it comes to my family but at the end of the day "God's will be done"

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    1. I agree , Jo-anne. I think we do have to surrender all our fears to God. Only He knows what the future holds for us. He is a compassionate God, and He will only give us what is righteous and good for us.

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  6. I also have lots of fears especially when it comes to my family but at the end of the day "God's will be done"

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  7. Oh, I feel you. I fear the same thing. I'm just hoping that God will give me a chance to see my grand children before I take off....:)

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    1. Me too, Dhemz. I would want to experience that too. My grandmother was able to experience holding her great grandchildren in her arms before she went to be with God.

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  8. We all have fears.

    But I agree with your fears. These are the fears we wouldn't wish to happen even to our enemies.

    I believe in Karma.

    For us to counter these fears, we have to do good for us to attract good things.

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    1. I agree with you Bjorn. We have a standing joke at work that with all the high technology that abounds these days, even Karma can come back at you at a speed of 25 Mbps! Its what we call "digital karma." :)

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  9. i fear of getting old too and fear that no one will look after me or even my daughter in the future. lots of fear that I sometimes they are wandering in my dreams too

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    1. I guess its every woman's fear - growing old. Sometimes I get some aches and pains and all I can think of is - do I have cancer? I give all my trust in God. That alone gives me peace in my heart

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  10. Though shall not fear. As long as you have God in your life, there is nothing to worry :) Just live every single day with happiness and faith!

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    1. Hi Algene! I agree. Sometimes when I get depressed and full of fear and worry, I hang on tight to my faith and I immediately feel the comfort and grace of the Lord.

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  11. What a beautiful prayer that is Sis :-) I for one has fear...what if I die and who will take care of my kids :-( What if my husband remarry and will abuse my kids :-( We always trust GOD :-) I'm also a strong woman :-)

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    1. Hi Jessica! Yes, you are right. God is the answer to everything. Just like what is said in the Bible - "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, for I will give you rest."

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  12. We share the same fear but we may differ in the degree of fear. I think it's but normal to be fearful, but our faith and trust in HIM gets us through.

    Hope you feel better and your condition is alleviated :-)

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    1. Hi Juliana. Thank you for your wishes of health for me. I know Diabetes will not go away once you have it, but it is in the management of the disease so it won't destroy other organs. I have faith in God that He will see me through this illness. All I have to do is to be more careful of the things I eat and that I should really get in some exercise.

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  13. I can't really tell whether Fear is still in my heart because I do believe that Fear is the opposite of Faith. But I do FEAR the Lord.

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    1. Hi Papaleng! Thanks for the comment. I agree that I have to be more steadfast in my faith in the Lord. I love Him with all my heart, but sometimes, I get so depressed and then start thinking about these fears. He is a loving and compassionate God. He is all we ever need. Sending you blessings of Peace, Hope and Love from my family to yours!

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Feel free to share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you too.