Sunday, June 8, 2014

Voices

Credits: www.kleinmeli.deviantart.com


I am the stepson.

I have been emotionally and physically abused by my own father. I am happy he is no longer around. I find it hard to trust people. To compensate for all those years of being labeled "stupid and worthless," I joined support groups and immersed myself in athletics. I am in constant need of acceptance and attention, things my father deprived me of. My mom left me and my siblings to work abroad for two years. How I wanted to be with her. When she came back, she found someone to love. I felt alone again. I take my relationships seriously. My subconscious dictates that I should protect the girl I love in every way I can. I am bull-headed because it is only now that I can be myself. I want to explore things, go places and grow into the person I always wanted to be. I sometimes do things all at the same time, leaving most of them unfinished. I live with my mom and her fiancee. He and me sometimes disagree. I don't think he likes me. I have so much pent up emotions that I sometimes just spend time outside, with my friends, or even with my grandma, to avoid a major clash. I feel my mom favors him more than me. 

I am the stepdad.

I have Parkinsons. I am recovering from hip replacement surgery. I am in constant pain everyday. I have a daughter in the US whom I have not been with for 7 years. I get upset when I cannot talk to her on Skype. I have trouble sleeping. It takes hours and hours before I finally fall asleep at night. I get startled by the slightest sound. I hate it when the boys stay up at night and move around the house looking for a cigarette. I depend heavily on my fiancee to help me get around the house, to shower, to eat, to clean up after myself. I feel worthless. I want to help but I could not. I never had a son. This is the first time I experienced being in the same house with two boys in their early 20s. I know they resent it when I tell them to wash their own dishes or to clean the house. I believe they are old enough to help their mom with household chores. I do not know much about Filipino culture, but in the US, kids are assigned chores and are expected to do it. I know my fiancee does not like it when me and her boys disagree. I did not steal their mother away from them. I see it more like me gaining sons and them gaining a father again. 

I am the person in the middle.

I wish you'd be more open with each other about your feelings. Do you know how hard it is to be caught in the middle? I admit, I am tired of doing all these things for all of you. I am sick and tired of doing housework, preparing your meals, washing clothes and attending to your each and every command. I am getting old. I need sleep. I need some rest. I dream of waking up with meals prepared and the clothes washed and hang out to dry. I long for the day I could go on vacation - out in the quiet countryside, close to the beach. Do you know how much I envy you? Being able to go places with every invite? Being able to sit in front of the computer the whole day? Do you feel my anxiety every night I go to work knowing I need to be alert and awake earning my keep while you are at home sleeping? Do you know how it feels to look forward to the weekend to be with you? Do you know of my frustration fighting this thing called Diabetes? I am just about as human as you. I avoid saying/doing bad things to people you consider important in your life. I feel. I understand. I wish there was 3 or 4 more of me so that you don't feel like you have to compete for my attention.

I love you. Each and everyone of you. EQUALLY. 

"Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to go on when all I want to do is to give up."

26 comments:

  1. I do believe even the most "normal" person also carries a burden and is struggling on their own, in one way or another. The best thing is we have HIM to turn our heavy loads to.

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  2. You are so good in expressing emotions sistah, great writer like you should write a book!

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  3. Intense! I like how you were able to write the different side of the characters. Different feelings, different perspective

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  4. Maalaala ba ito?...in some way I can relate. I understand the burden of the middle person. I actually had this fear of having my partner and have another child with whoever i will be cause I dont want my daughter to feel the emotion felt by the step son.
    http://www.shengkay.com

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  5. Great work in articulating the feelings and "voices" of each character. We have a lot of resentment and initial impressions with other people but what we need to do is understand where they are coming from. You did this excellently!

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  6. Awesome writer! Very creative at that! I can never write this way. Hanggang feature writing lang ako hahaha.

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  7. This creative post is loaded with intense emotions! I honestly got carried away. You write with so much depth, Sis. I love the carefully chosen words and its impact on each person that would come across this article. Your good command of the language is laudable. Please keep them coming.

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  8. Ang tindi ng paraan mo to relay your thoughts. Clap, clap.. I know how is it to be a diabetic. If only people around us give what is due para sa ating diabetic. A day's off from our daily chores is just fine sa akin.

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  9. Every one of us has a burden to carry. If we cast our burdens to our friend Up There, then things will be much easier for all of us. And oh, I also wish for a day without chores and work, just pure pampering and relaxation. Sigh!

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  10. Such a heart warming post. You definitely are a great writer. I believe we all have our burdens...some show it and others do not. Thank you so much for this post.

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  11. great read..I wish I can be a good writer as you. Very interesting story!

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  12. Wow! The chills I felt after reading this! What a great piece!

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  13. Feelings bad or good always brings us a real person. Pouring our emotions to people we trust helps the burden we carry inside our hearts :-)

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  14. I am sorry you have PD. My brother in law was Dx in this 40s and it is so sad. In fact, my new book is being released in Sept 2014 and my proceeds are going to MJF foundation in honor of my brother in law. I wish you the best.

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  15. This is some intense stuff. Great post. =) Thanks for sharing.

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  16. Intense and so well written! Amazing work.

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  17. I was drawn into what you wrote. Everyone has their own internal struggle and the best we can do is support and love. Thanks for sharing.

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  18. This is a great pitch for a novel... ;)

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  19. Love your post! You vividly describe each character with your words and it's easy to relate. Great job! Thanks for sharing this!

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  20. This article really caught my attention. Every sentence is so powerful. Thanks for sharing this to us! :)

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  21. Oh this is so intense. The different perspectives is so heartfelt. Each of us have our own battles we fight.

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  22. I admire you for sharing your story with us. It is so hard to be caught in the middle. I had been in the same boat and it was so hard to balance between the persons you love. Glad you're holding on to Him. Hope things will get better.

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  23. I'm not in this situation but that last sentence really rings true to how I feel lately. I pray that step relationships can grow in to loving ones. I know it must be hard from all perspectives.

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  24. It's amazing how we all have our own crosses to bear. It's brave to be able to share these personal battles.

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  25. That was pretty powerful to read it from all different perspectives. It makes you think though!

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  26. How powerful! I really think we all have something that we are battling! Amber N

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